Smilin' Tochiro

2018?! Da F**k?

Yeah, that's a thing that happened. I completely lost track of time. Sorry about that. I can't do a big post just now but for the record:

1. I still live.

2. I have not yet gotten back my house.

3. Still no job. Yeah, couldn't even get a temp as Christmas help job. That's a great thing for my self esteem.

4. Sold stuff on eBay (via a friend who went above and beyond) for some cash and feel soooo ripped off. I am not a person who is 'down' with this whole 'minimalism' fad.

5. Sold a pile of stuff to a local dude and feel even more ripped off.

6. Prozac doesn't turn off depression. It just makes me not give a f**k about it.

7. The Orville is the best Star Trek I've seen in years. ;)

8. Yamato 2202 is seriously rocking it. I should do a 'feelings about' review.

That's enough for now. It's too depressing. Back later, hopefully not 6 months from now. :)
Smilin' Tochiro

48 Years ago today. July 20, 1969

48 years ago, I can't believe I'm typing that, 48 years ago the United States of America landed 2 men on the Moon, and they safely returned to Earth.

It only took 7 years from when President Kennedy made his "We will go to the Moon" speech.

Since the '70s there has been talk of returning to the Moon 'within 20 years'. This milestone has been passed TWICE with zero, read that again, ZERO motion on actually making it happen.

Never mind such '70s pipe dreams as landing men on Mars, exploring Asteroids and other things.

"But wait, Steve! Space X and other things blah blah any day now blah blah!"

Nope. Not gonna buy ANY vaporware comments from Billionaires (regardless of how well meaning) until I see hardware being flown, like actual capsules. Publicity stunt cargo lifting don't count for jack crap in my eyes. Get some Man-rated s--t on the launch pad.

Hard truth. We COULD NOT put men on the Moon within 7 years today. All the advances in materials and technology, all the learned knowledge, even if we threw unlimited money at the program (like, you know, get men on the Moon and return safely to Earth within 7 years or the Human Race becomes extinct) it just CAN NOT HAPPEN.

We can't do it. We don't have the infrastructure any more. Even using what boosters we do have, do the early Von Braun 'Earth Orbit Rendezvous' assembly and go from there, we just can not build anything in that timeframe.

It's a grim tragedy. I weep for the future.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated

Well! That was a thing.

Yes, I did try to kill myself. Yes it was a dumb, stupid, selfish, childish, everything thing to do. Yes, I can say it was yet another failure on my part but in this case, it's OK.

I underwent treatment. The pressures and stress that led me to take such drastic action have not abated but rather been turned to '11'. I am struggling to overcome.

Now I sit in a friend's house, using a borrowed PC as decades of my fannish life is destroyed, uncaring, unconcerned. It is an attempt to erase me, revenge for being the unwelcome, unwanted baggage of an awkward marriage. Revenge for being a child beloved by his mother. Revenge for being a person who *gasp* read for PLEASURE, Enjoyment, not just for the needs of the moment like to pass a stupid English class. How dare I have such superior airs? Did I think I was better than them? They're sure showing me now!

F**k them all with a cactus AND porcupine, sideways. Dance all you want in your small world, My world is all of space!

I do not have my beloved Mac. I don't know how often I can check in. Just so you all know.
Soul of Arcadia

Farewell and goodbye

By the time this is read, I will be dead. Unless I can't even do that right. I have taken an overdose of sleeping pills.

I don't do this lightly. I would rather have not done this at all, but the actions of my stepbrothers give me no other choice, or option. I hope I don't screw this up, but my track record hasn't been the best lately.

So many people I wish I could say goodbye to. So many of them have fallen out of touch.

A special note to all the women I have known:

Ardith, Shana G, Lisa(whitecrow0), Lisa T (adrenalisa), Jamie (lori) Y, Krystal (akristacat), Emma, Leslie, Lauren, others.

I'm glad we met. I regret Not being able to speak one more time. Please know you all touch my life.

I feel the pills working.

Harder to type.

This is Steve sinning of
Soul of Arcadia

Tick, tick, tick

I've dumped my fuel, leaving only 10 more minutes of flight. I'm betting everything on those 10 minutes.

Space Anemia seems a really bland and not so specific thing to be dying from.

I don't think my soul is going to find a giant computer aboard a super space battleship to transfer to.
Smilin' Tochiro


I wonder what people will say about me when I'm gone. It's an odd, morbid thought to be sure, but there just comes a time when such things weigh on one's mind.

Naturally I would never know, unless things work a LOT different than usually believed. Man, I don't think I want to be a ghost just hanging around.

We all want to be thought well of. I would like to believe I've had an overall positive effect on the people I've known but then again, some seem to think I'm the biggest monster they've ever known, and for the life of me I have no idea that anything, any thing I've done deserved that kind of treatment.

I rather imagine the main comment will end up being "the guy just could never catch a break". And maybe that's not exactly fair, maybe phrasing it "couldn't really exploit and expand on what breaks he did catch" is more honest. I've been told I'm my own worst enemy and man, I've known that for a very long time. Doesn't seem to make a difference, something always goes wrong. I can do everything right down the line and it still goes wrong.

I guess some things are just not meant to be, huh?
Smilin' Tochiro

And May 16, 2017


Man, either this summer is going to be insane or it'll be nothing but rain rain rain. Or both.

But May is far from over. It would not shock me if we have freezing rain around the 25th. Because that's a thing that's happened.

Smilin' Tochiro

Mother's Day May 14 2017

If your mother is still alive, call her. Take her to lunch, or dinner. Buy her a card, or flowers, or candy. Spend time with her.

Even if you're having problems, even if you're estranged for one reason or another. Big problem, little problem, no real problem just one or both of you being stubborn, reach out.

All the things in the world, all the moments and triumphs and failures, ups and downs, good and bad, you would have none of these if you had not been born.

This one day, set aside everything and just tell her you love her. Because eventually she'll be gone and you'll never be able to say that again.

There are many people you will meet in life, but you only have one mother.